6 Things We Can Do to Move Through Grief

In May of 2017, my 24-year-old son was killed in a car accident. Though I had known grief before, it was in that moment that I met grief head-on in the most brutal way I ever had before. The loss of my handsome, compassionate, and talented son felt like a part of me was gone. The pain was brutal. Life would never be the same. 

In our lifetime we will all experience grief in one form or another. Each of us is unique, therefore each of our grief journeys will be different. Everyone’s timeline is different.  And grief is exhausting. Losing someone you love dearly can feel like you have been broken into a million pieces. 

People say they will never be the same person after their loved one has died. This is very true. Trying to reassemble the fragments can feel impossible. And even when all the pieces have been put back together, there are scars that remain. 

The amount of time it takes to process grief and find one’s footing again can vary. One person may feel the ability to move forward with life sooner, while someone else may experience raw pain for months or even years and find it hard to function. 

In any case, I have found that grief is a process that must be honored, and there’s no need to rush it along. Running from the grief does not make it go away. It will likely stay stuck in the body and manifest in other ways—anger, illness, fatigue. 

Moving through the grief, acknowledging it and working with it allows the grief to transform you, much like how the caterpillar is transformed while in the cocoon and the way heat transforms coal into diamonds. 

You need tender loving care while in the brutality of raw grief, or even in the dull ache of continuing grief. You must be your own advocate for healing. 

There is much you can do for yourself during this sacred time. Here are some ways to take care of yourself while you grieve:

1 – Feel your feelings

David Kessler, grief expert and author of many books including Finding Meaning, says that if you have a

thousand tears to shed you can’t stop at 400.” Holding in your emotions is detrimental to your health because the trauma will eventually show up somewhere else in your body. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness, the anger, or even the rage. Let the tears flow without concern for what others may think. These tears are healing.

Additionally, trying to get past the pain by not letting it out only masks it. There are no shortcuts. The grief is not going away. It needs to be acknowledged and allowed to flow. Taking whatever time is needed to grieve is essential for moving through the pain, and by doing so you are showing kindness and compassion to yourself, which is exactly what you need.

2 – Move 

Similarly, moving your body also allows grief to move through you. There are many ways to do this. Walking, especially through nature, is very healing. Feeling the earth beneath your feet, smelling a flower, touching a tree, or just gazing up at the magnificent sky can help you to feel grounded and calm. Putting on music you love and moving in any way your body needs to express itself is another. And if you feel enough strength to do so, jogging or going to the gym are also helpful activities.

A practice called Grief Yoga which uses movement, yoga, breath, and sound to release pain and suffering. This physical expression helps to keep the grief from getting stuck in your body. Paul Denniston, creator of Grief Yoga and author of Healing Through Yoga, says, “Running from grief actually means staying in the pain longer. When we stand in the pain, we can then begin to move through it.” 

3 – Rest

You don’t have to do all the things you used to do just yet. Stick to the absolute essentials like bills or taking care of children if you have them, but the rest of the housework can wait. Any kindness offered to you from friends or family can be very helpful. When people say, “Let me know what I can do to help you,” take them up on it! Let them take care of chores and errands that needs to be done while you nurture yourself. If possible, have someone help you with these jobs. 

You also don’t have to keep up with all the social engagements. You are grieving. You do not need to attend functions where you may feel you need to put on a happy face. And you don’t have to explain yourself. As David Kessler teaches, “No” is a complete sentence.  If you do decide to attend a social gathering for a short while, go ahead and give it a try, but feel free to leave if necessary.

4 – Read

If you are a reader, there are a plethora of books on grief. Some are written by experts in the field, others by people who have lost a loved one and share their journeys with others who now find themselves on this same pathway in life. Some offer spiritual guidance if that is meaningful to you. Some discuss continued connections with their loved one in spirit. These books can validate your feelings and help you to know that grief is a normal part of life. They can help you to cope and find hope.

And if books don’t appeal to you, there are also countless videos on the internet and podcasts related to grief at your fingertips. Little by little you can gather information and insight into how to navigate this difficult path. 

5 - Find your tribe  

It is easy to feel alone in grief, to feel that no one really understands your pain. So often well-meaning people will offer platitudes such as, “Well at least he lived a long life,” or, “At least you have more children (besides the one you lost),” or, “At least he didn’t suffer too long.” All these indicate a disconnect to how you really feel.

Grief communities can be found through hospitals, therapists, churches, and simply by searching online. By joining a grief support community, you are likely to find people who understand your pain because of the mutual experiences of loss. There is freedom to express your sadness without having to censor it, minimize it, or pretend you’re better now. 

Similarly, various online social media platforms provide grief communities. These are wonderful places to go where you can freely post as many pictures of your loved one as you like without anyone suggesting you’re overdoing it. Keeping his or her memory alive maintains a feeling of connection with them.

These people will not tell you that you need to get over it. Here, you can find ears that won’t grow tired of listening to how you feel, and your own compassion grows as you witness the grief of others. You find you are not alone.

6 - Trust yourself 

Advice will come from all sides. It is well intentioned. People want you to feel better because it makes them feel better. No one likes to see someone they care about suffer.  

But grieving does not need to be fixed. It needs to be expressed. When all is said and done, you know what is best for you. Listen to your body and listen to your heart. Take what feels right to you and let go of the rest.

Grieving is a lifelong journey. However, the pain can eventually soften. The most difficult days can become less frequent. As grief shifts and changes it may even bring us to a place of transformation and renewal. 

We will always miss our loved ones who have passed from this earth. The amount of missing is equal to the amount of love, and it will always be there, safely secured within our hearts. 

But grief does not have to keep us from living our lives. If we choose to do the work of honoring our grief, looking it in the eye and working through it, we can find a way to find joy again, even in the little things. 

As you take care of yourself during this challenging time, you will find that it’s possible to live a meaningful life again, and in doing so you honor your loved one.

Walking with Grief

It had been only six weeks since my 24-year-old son was killed in a car accident. That amazing young drummer who charmed most anyone he met with his good looks and kind personality, the one with the sparkle in his eyes that hinted at a bit of mischief, the one people were drawn to by his charismatic personality, the one who never in 24 years hesitated to hug his mom in front of his friends and audibly tell her he loved her. 

Yeah, that one. His physical presence was now gone, and though my raw grief enveloped me, my face was vaguely stoic. Here I sat at a little outdoor café with my sister, Chris, who had carried me along so far to this point with such love and compassion, whose healing touch had soothed me as she came to my house each evening to provide me with a gentle acupressure treatment. With us was one of her friends, Elena, who I knew casually. 

Summer break had just begun. I had managed somehow to close up my third-grade classroom just weeks after Eric’s passing. My sister and Elena were also teachers, and Chris had invited me to join them for lunch. Elena, whose only son had also been a friend of Eric’s, was genuinely sorry for this unimaginable tragedy and for all I had been going through. As we slowly ate our salads and sandwiches, we briefly discussed this profound loss rather than avoid the elephant in the room, and for this I was very grateful. 

Then, in an attempt to shift the conversation in a new direction, Elena asked the usual question teachers asked each other in the middle of June, “So what are your plans for the summer?” 

A very slight pause. Still moving a bit on automatic, still numb from all that had occurred, my answer was short and quick. 

“Grieving.” 

I didn’t even have to think about it. It just came out.  Instinctively something inside of me knew that this summer was not about shopping, or beach trips, or catching up with friends, or pre-planning for the Fall school session. The world as I knew it had stopped, and I had something to do. It was very simple. Grieve. 

I know that people don’t think of it this way. They think that grieving is something that will float in and out while you keep going with life. This is true to some degree because life’s demands must be taken care of.

But grieving is a very real and necessary action after such a major loss. Grieving is indeed a part of the healing process. For some there is a tendency to want to not feel the pain and instead they may make themselves very busy or turn to some kind of substance to help ease that pain. It is understandable to want to avoid this brutal pain. 

Nevertheless, grief will continue to pursue you, will make itself known when you least expect it. That’s why it’s often referred to as grief work. And if you don’t do the work, you won’t get through the grieving to the other side where life can be lived again. The grieving will never stop, of course, in the sense that it will always remain tucked inside your heart somewhere and still may show itself from time to time. You will always miss your beloved. However, when the grief is faced and worked with, it will begin to soften, the turbulent waves will ease, and out of the darkness, the light can begin to shine again.

Grief expert, David Kessler, says that if you have  one thousand tears to shed, you cannot stop at number 399. Those other 601 tears will stay built up inside of you, trying to burst through. He also uses the analogy of a herd of buffalo. Upon becoming aware of an oncoming storm, the buffalo will instinctively choose to head straight into the storm, facing it and moving through it and beyond it, instead of running from it. They look it square in the eye and as they boldly encounter it, they are able to grapple with it and then move into a place of peace much more quickly than if they kept running away from the inevitable. By running in the other direction, the storm will only continue to chase. 

Grief is also a teacher. We come to understand what really matters in life. We come to prioritize what how we spend our days. We learn to have compassion for others who have suffered unfathomable losses. We learn that when all the said and done, it is the love that will remain. 

Love. When we love greatly, we grieve greatly. And I have decided that that is okay. I will take all the love I have for my son and allow it to express itself as grief in my earlier days and weeks and even years with the hope and the knowing that, eventually, that love can express itself as joy once again. 

I had the luxury of having about 6 weeks to do nothing but grieve before I had to start thinking about and planning for the school year again. Not everyone can do this, though some take as much time off as possible. And if that’s not possible, some devote time each day specifically for grieving. That may be talking to your loved one in spirit, journaling, going through photos, listening to music — whatever feels right for them — allowing the healing tears to flow. This is how we honor our grief. In doing so, we also honor our loved one.

So, yes, stating that my plans for the next six weeks are to grieve is a perfectly acceptable answer. Grief is exhausting. Self-care and self-compassion are essential. Choosing to stay in the pain forever is not proof of my love for Eric. My love for my son is not going anywhere and can be expressed in my willingness to keep living. That love will always be right here while I continue to navigate life with him by my side.

(This article of mine was first published by the Open to Hope Foundation)

(Read more about my journey from grief to hope in my books Look Around and A Bird Called Wisdom.)