Marianne Williamson defines
a miracle as a shift in perception. If this is true, then the new perspective I
have now gained on this journey of grief is a miracle. Healing is a miraculous
process. And the way I now look at Eric’s transition, as well as at all the
events that have since unfolded, is truly miraculous. There was no way for me
to see the possibility of healing on the day the sheriff and coroner pounded on
my front door. There was no way for me to understand when a few people told me
that maybe Eric’s work was done (and I never recommend saying that to someone
who is newly bereaved). There was no way for me to have any reason to believe I
could ever climb out of the deep dark abyss when Joe, Nicholas, Jessica,
Vanessa and I stood at Eric’s gravesite at the cemetery to bury his ashes.
There was no way I could ever imagine feeling joy again when all the friends
and family finally went back to their homes to continue living their lives, and
we had no idea how to get through the next day.
But this is the miracle.
And it doesn’t happen a week later, or a month later, or not necessarily even a
year later. It is a gradual process, like the rising sun. This kind of healing
cannot be learned in a crash course. It cannot be binge watched. It’s not meant
to. It is meant to drop in like rose petals from heaven, one at a time, day by
day, until one day you have a flower, then a bouquet, then a rose bush, then a
garden. It is meant to be contemplated, and eventually, savored. It is meant
for you to allow yourself, on the days where you feel like you’ve tripped into
the abyss again, to just be, and then trust yourself to work your way back out.
This is the shift in perception. This is the miracle. I can choose to stay in a
dark pit forever. Or, I can choose to climb out of the pit, huffing, puffing,
grimacing, and sweating, and stand on the Earth, with the trees and the sky
above, with the sun warming my face, and begin to catch the rose petals that
fall from above. This is what I chose. I chose to heal.
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